Saturday, January 5, 2013

How to keep a New Year's Resolution


We kick off the new year’s Blog Carnival** with that perennial favorite seasonal topic: New Year’s Resolutions.

Resolute:  marked by firm determination

Yes, it’s that time of year again when the national sport turns to vocalizing all the things that we don’t like about ourselves and making proclamations that, by God, this time we are ABSOLUTELY going to change!

This is distinctly different than the rest of the year when everyone we are surrounded by tells us what they don’t like about us, and we resolutely tell them to go fuck themselves.

Statistics show that about 50% of us love to engage in this fantasy football of self-improvement. Those same statistics reveal that about 8% of us actually make good on our threats to change. The rest of us have apparently told ourselves to go fuck ourselves.

Oddly, for such a fiercely individualistic bunch that humans are, our personal resolutions are suspiciously similar. Not wanting to fall out of line with the individualistic herd, we have conformed our own resolutions this year to be uniquely identical with the norm.

Forthwith, here are the top 8 new year’s resolutions that you, we and everyone else on this planet makes, but doesn’t keep.  We, however, are resolute and have adjusted the resolutions to guarantee success!

1. Spend More Time with Family & Friends
We have spent the last 30 years actively avoiding our relatives. Considering that they are not likely to change their behaviors regardless of any resolutions on their part, we’re sticking with the odds and staying in stealth mode.  Friends? Well…when they exclaim with amazement “when do you find time to make all this wonderful stuff?” We reply, “when you’re not here.” 

2. Fit in Fitness
Right. We’re in the studio – we ain’t coming out. We resolve to spend more time in the studio instead of fooling ourselves that we’re going to the gym. We’re pretty certain we can do this.

3. Tame the Bulge
60 percent of adult Americans are considered overweight or obese. Don’t worry, in about 60 days you and the rest of us will forget all about this, and we can all get back to enjoying ourselves.

4. Quit Smoking
We never started, so we are resolutely and smugly patting ourselves on the back for this and all the other things we didn’t do, like hacking up the noisy obnoxious neighbors with a hatchet and stuffing them in the freezer. Although, the year is just getting started…

5. Enjoy Life More
Get out and try something new! Take up a new hobby!
We got this one covered – Trying new things IS our hobby.
Naked scuba diving – check.
Skeet shooting with heavy artillery – done it.
Striding through the jungle on the back of an elephant with diarrhea – yep!
This is a very long list – email us if you want to compare notes.

6. Quit Drinking
The odds are better that you will start going to the gym more often. At least you can go to the gym AND drink.  Which means you will feel better and be enjoying life more. As for us, we’re going to stay in the studio and clean up the elephant poop. We’ll need a drink after that.

7. Get Out of Debt
Unless of course, it is something you really, really want or deserve. Remember, the more useless and frivolous it is, the easier it is to finance.  Just don’t ask us for the money.

8. Learn Something New
For example, learn what your friends and family really think about you:
a.     you are overweight
b.    you drink too much
c.     when are you going to pay back the money you borrowed.
d.    you won’t keep your new year’s resolutions
in other words, pretty much the same thing you’re thinking about them.


** Blog Carnival is a group binge activity of Etsymetal Team in which an international group of metal artists each resolves to write about a common topic, thus giving you, the reader, a world perspective on how the creative mind works - or doesn't.


  1. Hahaha, staying in the studio is one of my goals too. Thanks for the enjoyable read.

  2. Thank you Theresa. We've accomplished several goals at once by moving the liquor into the studio behind the anvil.

  3. Love it! Still laughing.. I don't make resolutions- But damn! I forgot to add learn the bow and arrow -would fit right in with d! a-c -nada.

  4. 9. Loosen up a little... SHOULD be one of the top ten new years resolutions. You guys have it resolutely figured out. Thanks for the reminder.