Sunday, December 1, 2013

Santa's Elves

This month’s Blog Carnival burning question is: What do you do to celebrate the holidays? Which holidays do you celebrate? What foods do you make? What special holiday jewelry do you make?

Glad you asked. We asked Santa’s elves once how they celebrate Christmas. They replied in a chorus of tiny voices, “How the fuck do you think we celebrate Christmas!? We Work!!” Elves are a little edgy that way.

And so goes our own steady descent into Christmas Elfdom. The madness starts each year in September when the Christmas buying season starts.  That is when the stores buy that all stuff they will use to hype you into a month long frenzy that would make a hungry shark blush. Of course, we’ve been toiling steadily throughout the summer to support the madness and frenzy. We’re team players.

The madness typically continues all the way through the holiday season, and crescendos on Christmas eve. Each year and every year for the last 20 years we have had a stranger knock upon our door on Christmas Eve. Usually around 8pm. Always a man.

He’s terrified, this man. “I need a Christmas gift”, he blurts out. “You’ve come to the right place” we discretely reply, while checking the street up and down, “come in quickly”.   We always wonder how these hapless souls find their way to our doorstep, but we’ve learned not to ask any questions.  Cash and goods quickly change hands and they vanish into the night, off to bestow thoughtful gifts to beloveds none the wiser.  So goes our Christmas Elfdom tradition.

It wasn’t always this way. As children we had different holiday traditions. Like going to Grandma’s house. Grandma ran a gambling parlor in her rural Indiana kitchen and also had a booming fruitcake business on the side. Gram and Gramps we’re also moonshiners, and at Christmas time you got a fruitcake with a gallon of shine. Gram had a secret recipe for the fruitcakes and they were awfully popular at Christmas parties. 

A few days before Christmas all the Uncles and Cousins would gather at Grams to deliver fruitcakes. This was always done after dark and would take all night until the last cake was delivered.  It was also the occasion for Gramps to make his traditional Fuckyouuppo holiday punch.  Gramp's Fuckyouuppo punch was much like Gram's fruitcakes. Nobody new exactly what was in it, but you sure recognized the effect once you had some.  

Delivery parties were always occasions to test the products to ensure quality. It was the consensus that it was “mighty good shit”, which I believe is the very tippy top highest accolade awarded by Good Housekeeping or Journal of American Moonshine or something. Once adequately fortified with shine and fruitcake Uncles and Cousins roared off in their hot rod sleds like so many sotted Santas  to deliver gifts till the wee hours of the morning.

We come from a long line of Christmas Elves. 

*Note: 2Roses makes jewelry. While many people testify to the stunning and intoxicating effects of our jewelry it is not a substitute for a good martini. We do not make moonshine, so don't ask. Not even on Christmas eve. 


  1. What!! You don't give a little jug o'shine with a jewelry purchase?!!
    My grandmother had a still in the basement where she made ouzo. My mother was the lookout. (That's a lot funnier if you actually knew my mother!) There was also this BBQ rib joint called Young's that would give you a very small bottle of Seagrams in your box of BBQ! Those were the days!!

  2. Thanks for sharing that Evelyn. This kind of thing was a lot more common a few generations ago than a lot of people think. Today they would be thought of as "artisan distilleries"

  3. I cant wait to get my first piece of Jewelry.... Very soon... LOL @Not even on Christmas eve